im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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