They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
