Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
