Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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