I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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