'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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