you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
