Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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