I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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