Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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