Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
