I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
