It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
