I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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