I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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