Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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