guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
