i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
