I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
