Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
