My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
