I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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