I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
