im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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