I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
