Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
