1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize