he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
