The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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