HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
