The maid of honor just puked.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he shaved USA in his pubs
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
