if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
