I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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