The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
