The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
