i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
where am i from again
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
