I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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