she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
