You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
