tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
