The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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