Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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