Got a toothbrush?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
