Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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