woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
