That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize