just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
