I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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