i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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