I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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