dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
