I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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