also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
