if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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