is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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